“That would never happen to me,” we told ourselves when Spike Jonze’s film Her hit our cinema screens back in 2013. Joaquin Phoenix plays Theodore Twombly, a lonely man who falls in love with his new computer operating system, the seductive AI, Samantha. The story felt remote and yet strangely familiar at the same time... It wasn’t totally implausible... Especially in an era when dating apps – and with them, the idea of talking to and even falling in love with a stranger via your smartphone – had recently become the new normal.
Now, over one year into a pandemic, virtual intimacy has exploded in almost every area of our lives. Those who were single when the pandemic hit reported the difficulties of meeting new people, going on dates, or having hookups, with little option but to rely on dating apps more heavily. In March 2020, Tinder recorded its highest number of swipes in a single day: 3 billion.
Apps also responded with new features to accommodate these shifts; Bumble, for example, launched features like “Night In” – a virtual trivia night to break the ice with your online date, while Tinder created "swipe night" which was a choose-your-own-adventure style entertainment-matchmaking vehicle.
Human-to-human contact has been off the table for many people in relationships, too, so couples have turned to novelty apps like Kissenger, which conveys kisses over a long distance, or else platforms like Zoom or Facetime for their more intimate moments. Incidentally, during the pandemic, sales of sex toys rocketed.
In his 2007 book, Love and Sex with Robots, David Levy wrote that, by 2050, it will be normal for humans to have intimate relationships with robots. We might be a way off this reality (and whether they’ll ever really take off remains to be seen) but recent shifts in the way we connect and communicate with one another have led some tech experts and companies to conclude that the future of dating really is virtual – and that this future will appeal to more people than we think. As Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist who studies sexual behavior, and a research fellow at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, recently told the Wall Street Journal, just as other areas of our lives are increasingly moving online – like work for example – intimacy is too.
“Sextech”, which includes sex toys, wearable devices, virtual reality, and robots, is accelerating this change, said Lehmiller, and is growing against the backdrop of an increasingly booming sex wellness industry and a pandemic – when physical sex comes with increased risks. According to Forbes: “In 2017, the size of the global sexual wellness market was over $26 billion, and is forecasted to reach about $37.2 billion by 2025. But the true potential of this industry is, actually, much bigger,” the publication reported. Sextech feeds into mental health, fertility, and many other personal wellness and consumer healthcare categories, they added, and “with the rise of female empowerment, this sector is poised for growth.”
So, what will the virtual future of sex and intimacy actually look like? Audio porn is one area that is set to grow, as will apps that track your sexual wellbeing and offer education around sex and intimacy. Haptics technology has already led to creations that allow us to experience pleasure remotely through vibrations, and this will be used in more complicated ways. In London, VR studio Raspberry Dream Lab “creates multi-sensory cybersex experiences which allow people to enjoy intimate moments together even when they are not in the same place”. Users see each other as outline human forms through their headsets and can caress each other without ever actually touching. The experience involves haptic stimulators positioned over erogenous zones, something that could eventually be incorporated into soft robotic ‘underwearables’, says the tech’s designer, Angelina Aleksandrovich. “Because of COVID a lot of people understood how we can use technology and virtual reality in exciting and expanded ways,” Aleksandrovich told Reuters.
And what of robots? Sex robots infamously already exist, and can hold a conversation. I
the future, they will be thinking and feeling, just like in Westworld, their creators claim. Sex robots have been described by Forbes as “the most disruptive technology we didn’t see coming”, but for this tech to really move beyond niche or fetish communities, their price points will have to drop and their convincingness improves, not to mention the accompanying stigma…
Outside of sex, technology will also improve our intimate relationships when it comes to company and emotional support. Artificial intelligence-powered chatbots are already being used to provide simulated relationships. Physical devices will offer new solutions to intimacy too: “There’s a pillow that people are working on that will transmit your partner’s heartbeat to it,” says Lehmiller, “so if they’re sleeping in a different place, you can still be deeply connected to them because you can hear and feel their heartbeat.”
Clearly, robotics don’t just have to be for sex. It is not implausible that advanced technology will be able to offer hugs, or hold our hands, experts explain. The ANA Avatar XPRIZE teams are developing avatars that could improve human connection by allowing us to appear in a remote location in real-time, as though we are really there. As XPRIZE’s Neama Dadkhahnikoo explains: “The newest and craziest innovation we’ll have in 2030 are avatars, our own personas. With better audio and visual technologies we may even be able to embody an avatar and date as that avatar.”
Neama suggests there are practical benefits to a future where tech allows more ways for us to connect and be intimate, if we design this future in the right way. “As we become more digitised, move more towards a Zoom society, I think we will have more issues with depression and loneliness – it’s a problem technology has caused and I think it’s a problem technology should try to solve,” says Neama, “That could mean helping us foster new connections with other human beings,” he continues, or helping us work on our mental health so that when we do talk to people we can connect better.” Artificial intelligence can really help here, he adds, it already makes the matching process much more tailored and accurate on dating apps, and is already being integrated in mental health services like therapy and counseling.
A big and underappreciated benefit of all of this new technology – whether for sex or intimacy – is also the novelty, says Lehman. “We know that novelty is essential in both our sexual and romantic lives – research shows that the happiest couples are ones that try new things in and out of the bedroom,” he explains. “Human beings crave novelty, and it’s a bonding experience when you share something new with your partner.”
There could also be benefits for people who have difficulty with intimacy, or who are living with disabilities, for instance, Lehman adds. “There are doctors working to implant electrodes near the spinal cord to give you an orgasm at the touch of a button. This technology could help people with disabilities or who have trouble reaching climax. But the risk is that it becomes a crutch – rather than trying to cultivate fulfilling sexual experiences, people will go right for the climax.”
If the future of dating and relationships becomes increasingly virtual, this raises ethical questions too. As more of our love and sex lives move online, how do we protect our privacy? If we are having intimate relationships with AI or robots, can they – or should they – consent? Could playing out forbidden fantasies in digital spaces encourage people to enact them in real life? And how do we build chatbot lovers and sex robots with gender equality in mind? As the digital future evolves, we will need to find smart and safe answers to these complicated questions.
The pandemic has taught us that humans are highly adaptable, that we can harness technology quickly to replace or even enhance interactions we would have had offline. But when it comes to virtual intimacy is – are we getting what we need?
Even if aspects of our lives like dating or intimacy were put on hold out of necessity, the effects can be isolating; “touch deprivation” refers to the condition of going for long periods without intimate touch or skin contact, which researchers have found can lead to anxiety or depression. Experts have also found that the mental health fallout of the pandemic is decreased for those who are engaging in more sexual activity – whether that be alone or with a partner. In general terms, the more sexually active we are, the less stressed and the happier we feel.
The message, for now at least, is clear: we can’t fully replace the power of human touch with technology, and nothing compares to the comfort of a hug from a loved one. But before we know it, technology could come close. Whether or not a sex robot does it for you, the future of intimacy is increasingly virtual.